The private posts are somehow just as interesting to me to look at as the ones I made public. Hmmm. So my attempt to be less emo is about to take a hard hit in that I needed an outlet and expressed myself with thie only thing I've got: words flowing through a pencil into a notebook. Problem is people can find that and even looking at it myself makes me more depressed. So it's getting transcribed here. My flow of consciousness crap might be hard to follow and there are multiple topics here so things aren't always what they seem...

I make so many guys simultaneously want me but think I am too good for them. They compliment me, treat me nicely and give me whatever they can. They put me on a pedestal and try anything to just get a little back, and I give them just enough to keep their attention and affection. But then for some reason the one’s that I like, I give everything to. I don’t make them work for me; I anticipate their needs and wants. And in so doing I set myself up to be unappreciated. That first set of guys just want to hold me, to know everything about me, to give me flowers and gifts… the second expect all of that from me. And I don’t know why, but I give it to them, without receiving the same back. How is it that he takes me for granted already? Tells me my faults, demands what he wants, combats argument with patronizing deflection and all the while thinks I couldn’t be happier. He doesn’t see when I hurt, does not know what to do. When I said I was scared you would see that I wasn’t worth it, and you said maybe I’d see that I was, you were supposed to make me feel like I was, not constantly remind me that though the ones that can’t get me will always think I am, we know that I’m not. You’re supposed to compliment me, dote on me, coddle me sometimes, sincerely tell me what I need to hear, give me presents, try to impress me, try to understand everything about me… not make me tell you what you want to hear and feel bad for wanting more. You’re supposed to think of me and would be nice for me. I do that. I didn’t ask for passion and idealistic romance. I’d just like some sentimentality and thoughtfulness. I’ve never had love and relationships before. I can’t help it if I want some of what resembles the traditional gestures. I want to say you do too much. I don’t want to already be in a rut. How long will I stay quiet? Sadly I know that I have a high tolerance for settling. That scares me. I don’t want to feel like I deserve more, feel like I’m not worth it and continue unsatisfied. I need to learn to talk to you, but I’ve spoiled you already. I gave you everything you wanted and would not communicate anything expected in return. You don’t see it, and that hurts too…

What do you do when you're being forgotten?

I don't think it's intentional but my friends have been excluding me from activities and not telling me things. That means I'm not in on the jokes or part of the history. Maybe they assume with my summer classes I'm too busy? I don't really know. I try to tell them when I'm free and stuff, which is pretty much every night and around lunch for a while. All I know is I feel completely left out and abandoned. And I figure that makes it worse, because instead of being fun when I'm with them, I go quiet and feel sorry for myself and try not to tell them things going on with me so maybe they realize they haven't been talking to me. Instead of trying to bring me back in, they have reasons for forgetting me, because I don't add much when I'm there. It's a weird cycle and I wish they'd reach out to fix it and show me they care. I hate saying what's bothering me because that's just asking for the obligatory response or insincere actions. I can't seem to be able to get past my hurt feelings when I'm with them and they don't show signs of this being temporary.  Sadly there's a time limit to this. We all go back to school in like a week and a half. So either they will expect things to go back to normal or my friendships with them will be as good as severed. So what do I do to stop from getting forgotten? How do I make myself noticeable and desireable again? Do I just start over? Do I tell them how I feel? What if my worst suspicions are confirmed and they really don't care anymore? What if this is always going to happen to me because I can't fool them I'm actually worth something for long?